Crucial
Conversations: Working with Difficult Leaders
By Kerry Patterson and Eric Patten
Have you ever had to face down a raging executive who was
armed with an agenda—his nostrils flared and his ego
inflamed? How did you do? Or how about this: the leader
you’re working with eagerly supported the plan you
jointly developed, but when the plan hit a bump in the road,
she stepped away, leaving you to face the backlash and criticism
alone. Or maybe you’ve been forced to partner with
leaders who wear their power on their sleeves—using
it to crush those who are resisting the change strategy
when you’re trying to win them over.
These are the clients who keep you up at night. Their own
direct reports describe them as “difficult”
to work with. You can’t help but notice the pause
as they come up with the euphemism “difficult.”
Fortunately, there are ways of successfully working with
difficult leaders. Following are two useful pieces of advice—along
with a few tips for handling each—that we’ve
learned over the years.
Talk Immediately and Directly about Problems
In our last article we discussed setting clear expectations
up front with your clients about how you’ll deal with
possible problems. This can go a long way in averting threats
to your partnership. Nevertheless, leaders still bring whatever
bag of tricks they have into your alliance and, for some
of them, it means they’ll continue to micromanage,
abandon, badmouth, or misrepresent. You’ll never resolve
such problems until you talk about them. You’ll have
to hold what we have come to call a crucial confrontation—that
is, a face-to-face discussion to hold someone accountable
for a broken promise, a violated expectation, or bad behavior
Often, even thinking about talking to a leader
about a perceived problem or barrier with his or her leadership
style is enough to intimidate us. This is because we run
through the discussion in our heads and every single time,
it ends in disaster. We bring up an issue, the leader becomes
defensive or angry, and we end up suffering. So we back
away before we get into something we can’t handle.
But it doesn’t have to play out that way. Years of
watching people who are skilled at holding crucial confrontations
taught us that if you employ the right skills, you can talk
to almost anyone about almost anything. And yes, we realize
this is a little like saying, “If you flap your arms
in just the right way, you can fly.” But there’s
a difference. We’ve actually seen people talk to difficult
leaders about touchy issues and do well. So, if you’re
tired of suppressing your concerns or quietly nursing an
ulcer, try talking it out using the following five steps:
1. Start with your good intentions. Ask
for permission to talk in private about an issue that has
you concerned. Once you sit down to talk, thank the leader
for taking the time. The first thirty seconds set the tone
for the rest of the conversation. Explain that your desire
is to work through a problem in a way that meets both
of your needs. This well-known win/win tactic seems obvious
enough, but many people enter conversations with the goal
of improving only their own situation, and that’s
not a good starting position.
2. Focus on the one issue you care about most.
If you’ve waited a long time to speak your
mind, you may have a whole list of gripes you’d like
to air. Don’t do it. Instead, work on one issue at
a time. Give the other person time to digest, respond to,
and work on one concern before starting with another issue.
This often calls for careful analysis. Which issue should
you address? To narrow the field, ask yourself what you
really want for yourself, for the other person, and for
the relationship. For example, if what you want most is
a trusting working relationship, address the pattern of
missed commitments first, and wait till that’s resolved
before tackling a problem with micromanagement.
3. Stick to the facts. Describe the problem
you’re experiencing by starting with the facts. For
example, you asked a leader to take on a task but the deadline
came and went and he or she never even got started. This
is a fact. You may feel that the leader is shirking responsibility,
but that is a conclusion. Conclusions are often inflammatory,
can be wrong, and frequently create defensiveness. So start
with the facts. What specific actions led you to your conclusions?
4. Suggest alternatives. After you’ve
explained the problem you’re currently experiencing,
suggest what you’d prefer. “It would work better
for me if you’d let me know ahead of time when you
won’t be able to perform a task.” More often
than not, people behave poorly because they don’t
see alternatives. If necessary, jointly brainstorm until
you come up with a strategy you can both support.
5. Define “who does what by when” and
express your thanks. Finally, as you wind down
the discussion—taking care to describe exactly what
each of you will do to help improve your working relationship—be
sure to express your appreciation for the leader’s
willingness to listen to your concerns.
Be Prepared for Emotional Outbursts
Every once in a while a client you’re working with
becomes quite angry. If you’re caught by surprise
and you’re also unprepared, it can be awkward. However,
a bit of preparation can help a lot. When dealing with anger,
consider the following:
1. Don’t patronize. When someone
blows a gasket, your natural tendency is to try to calm
that person down. So you say something like, “I’d
feel better if we discussed this in a more professional
tone. Perhaps if you could calm down a little, we’d
be able to move ahead more effectively.” Wrong! No
matter the words you’ve chosen, this sounds as if
you’re saying, “You’re acting immature
and out of control and I’m not. When you get yourself
under control—you know, more like me—then you
can talk to me again.” At best this comes off as smug;
at worst, it can be demeaning.
2. Hold back your argument. Your second
natural tendency is to counterattack with an argument. “You’re
wrong. I wasn’t trying to make you look bad in the
meeting; I was just sharing a different view. I didn’t
realize that you expected me to agree with you in every
public event.” An immediate counter-attack is likely
to throw fuel on the flames.
3. Restore safety. When others become
angry, it’s because they’re feeling unsafe.
For example, if they’ve concluded that you’re
trying to make them look bad or take advantage of them,
they may feel threatened and become defensive and angry.
As unsafe as you may be feeling with such emotions directed
at you, it’s now your job to help your client feel
safe. You can restore safety using the following steps:
Show your concern. Don’t match
anger with anger. Instead, demonstrate your legitimate
concern. You don’t want your clients to feel threatened
and angry. You want them to be pleased with the relationship.
This has you concerned and it should show on your face
and in your body language. Don’t try to stay on
top of your emotions by acting cold and withdrawn. This
can come off as aloof and insensitive.
Clarify your intent. You can diffuse
a lot of emotion by clearing up any misunderstanding of
your intentions. Apologize and clarify what’s really
going on. “I’m sorry if I’ve caused
you a problem. That’s the last thing I want to do.”
Probe for details. Ask the other person
for the facts of the case. He or she’s angry and
is probably only sharing ugly conclusions: “You’re
untrustworthy!” “You’re unreliable!”
Conclusions fuel anger; facts lead to a more level-headed
discussion. “Could you tell me exactly what we did
that makes you feel that we can’t be trusted?”
Then listen. Keep probing for facts until you understand
enough detail to address the problem. Now you can offer
an explanation or an apology. Once you’ve gotten
to the root of the other person’s feelings, you
can jointly come up with a solution that works to both
of your satisfaction.
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Kerry Patterson coauthored the New York Times bestsellers
Crucial
Conversations and Crucial
Confrontations. He is an acclaimed keynote
speaker, consultant, and chief development officer of VitalSmarts.
Patterson has designed and implemented major corporate change
initiatives for the past twenty-five years. Find out more
at www.vitalsmarts.com.
Eric Patten is a senior consultant for VitalSmarts,
an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance.
At VitalSmarts he is developing a series of products to
enhance Crucial Conversations Training, a powerful tool
for improving organizational effectiveness, building teams,
and enriching relationships.
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