Crucial
Conversations: Negotiating and Contracting
By Kerry Patterson and Eric Patten
You’re in the middle of a complex negotiation and
the guy seated across the table from you is really beginning
to get under your skin. If you looked up the words “pig
headed” in the dictionary, you’re sure his picture
would be next to the definition. You thought you’d
finally come up with a proposal he’d support. But
now that he’s spotted what he thinks is another weakness
in your position he’s pushing for still another concession
on your part. Little does he know, you can be pig headed
too.
And so the negotiation continues. For the next hour, you
go at it hammer and tongs until you finally sign a deal
neither of you likes. But that’s only half the problem.
As far as your relationship goes, things have more than
soured. In fact, you’d be happy if you never laid
eyes on this guy again—which isn’t ideal considering
the long-term contract you just signed.
But does it have to always go this way? When you’re
negotiating your fees, or disagreeing about a change strategy,
or trying to get your share of the annual budget (all part
of a consultant’s routine), does the negotiation process
have to turn into a pitched battle where both sides fight
for their “fair piece” of the pie?
Many people hate the whole idea of negotiating—they
think of it as employing sleazy debate tactics or manipulative
strategies to win at all costs. It’s particularly
unsavory considering that, more often than not, the people
we negotiate or contract with are our teammates or long-term
clients. We couldn’t rake them over the coals and
feel good about it.
But there’s also the worry that if you play nice
people will take advantage of you. Have you ever faced someone
over the last piece of New York cheesecake? It seemed natural
to divide it in half, but in the spirit of good manners
you said, “Go ahead, you take it.” And the other
person did!
Is there a third, better alternative? Is it possible to
find a mutually beneficial arrangement that leaves both
parties satisfied with the outcome and enhances the relationship
during complex, highly interdependent negotiations? Can
you divide up scarce resources while at the same time laying
positive groundwork for future relations?
Actually you can—on one condition. You have to possess
the right skills. When stakes are high, opinions vary, and
emotions run strong. When you enter a crucial conversation,
the results you achieve are only as good as the skills you
carry into the interaction. Consider the following three
helpful tools.
Stay focused on what you really want.
Frequently in a negotiation, we get distracted
by trivial matters. We lose focus and start going after
things that are less important to us than our primary goals.
Suddenly winning your way or saving face or not having to
give in to others seems really important as you move from
a collaborative to a combative mode. Ultimately, this change
in focus bogs down the negotiation and leads to poor results.
Before you begin a negotiation, determine the nature of
the relationship. Is this a transactional, one-off relationship,
or is this the beginning or continuation of a long-term
one with high interdependency? Most relationships are more
interdependent than we would like to admit. We have a tendency
to treat too many relationships as if they were purely transactional
and we will never have to deal with that individual, group,
or organization again. We end up treating them poorly, making
demands, and using our power to get what we want—often
at the expense of future interactions.
Before you begin negotiating, determine what you really
want to get out of the negotiation to make it successful.
This should include not only the monetary and operational
items, but what you want for the relationship and how you
want to feel when you end the negotiation. Do you want to
feel like you just took the other person for all he or she
is worth? Do you want to feel guilty, angry, or disappointed?
Or, would you rather feel content that both parties are
satisfied with the new relationship and that it was handled
in a way that was respectful and mutually beneficial?
Establish mutual purpose. If the other
person doesn’t feel safe, he or she will become defensive
and start to push even harder for his or her views.
Too often we believe that the best way to reach the most
satisfactory outcome is to bully our way toward what we
want, never realizing the pressures and commitments that
are driving the other person. To achieve a mutually beneficial
ending, we must make sure that the other person knows that
we care about what he or she cares about. Otherwise he or
she will push back against your every demand. If all you
care about is you, then the other person will be forced
to look after only his or her own objectives as well.
Instead of making unilateral demands, try something like
this: “I recognize that you may have had some adversarial
negotiations in the past. I just wanted you to know up front
that I don’t work that way. If either of us leaves
here unhappy today, I view it as a failure. Let’s
see if we can’t reach an agreement that both of us
are satisfied with.”
Maintain mutual respect. Even
if the negotiation starts off well, it can break down at
any point where either party feels disrespected. Mutual
respect is the continuance condition of any healthy negotiation.
The other person must know that you not only care about
his or her purpose, but that you care about him
or her. Otherwise the conversation is doomed to
failure. You don’t have to be best friends, but at
a minimum you need to respect the other person’s humanity.
If the other person is starting to get defensive, take
it as a sign that he or she does not feel safe. Reaffirm
your intentions. Apologize if necessary. Just make sure
that it’s sincere. “I’m sorry. I think
I’ve been pushing hard for my points and not listening
well. Can we start over again? I’d like to understand
why this issue is so important to you.”
As you focus on what you really want and build a climate
of mutual purpose and mutual respect, more often than not
the other person will respond in kind. Instead of continuing
down a death spiral of attack and retreat, you’ll
honestly discuss all parties’ views and come to the
best resolution. The good news in all of this is that your
best behavior tends to bring out others’ best behavior.
Crucial Conversations skills can be contagious that way.
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Kerry Patterson coauthored the New York Times bestsellers
Crucial
Conversations and Crucial
Confrontations. He is an acclaimed keynote
speaker, consultant, and chief development officer of VitalSmarts.
Patterson has designed and implemented major corporate change
initiatives for the past twenty-five years. Find out more
at www.vitalsmarts.com.
Eric Patten is a senior consultant for VitalSmarts,
an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance.
At VitalSmarts he is developing a series of products to
enhance Crucial Conversations Training, a powerful tool
for improving organizational effectiveness, building teams,
and enriching relationships.
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