Crucial
Conversations: Getting Back on Track
By Eric Patten
 Have
you ever felt like you’re standing on the deck of
a sinking ship, knowing that land is in sight, but completely
incapable of getting there? For example, you’ve just
presented your change proposal to the management team and
everyone voices agreement, but after the meeting, nobody
does what they agreed to do; your project just hit a brick
wall. Or how about this: you’ve done your analysis
and it turns out that the primary impediment to change in
the organization is the person who hired you…and can
fire you.
What do you do?
The natural tendency in such situations is to vacillate
between silence and violence. When we choose silence, we
stand mute on the sinking ship. After all, if we say the
wrong thing, the problem could escalate. The ship could
sink faster. We could lose our contract; or worse, damage
our reputation. So we sit and boil inside, recognizing the
problem, foreseeing the solution, but completely unable
to communicate it without jumping ship.
On a bad day, we explode and resort to violence. We accuse.
We chastise. We command. And the problem doesn’t
get better. But hey, at least we said our piece; they
know where we stand! We wash our hands and walk
away, all the while knowing that our outburst achieved nothing
and cost us everything.
Silence and violence lead to three inevitable outcomes:
destroyed relationships, more problems, and, at best, mediocre
results. So what’s the alternative?
When the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run
strong. When the best people enter such “crucial conversations,”
they step up and employ high-leverage skills to enhance
relationships, solve problems, and achieve breakthrough
results.
For more than twenty-five years, our team of researchers
has observed top performers and influencers, and in the
process, identified a specific set of teachable best practices.
Here are a few of the things we’ve found:
First, when you’re stuck, there is a crucial conversation
you’re either not having or not handling well. Identify
the results you want that you’re not getting, and
figure out the conversations you need to have to change
things. If management vocally buys in to your plan but silently
objects, have you made it safe for everyone to speak up?
Have you made the silent discourse a public one so that
people feel free to talk about their concerns?
Frequently, people don’t feel safe voicing their
concerns when an initiative is sponsored by someone in a
position of power. One way to get people to begin talking
about the problem is to point out that a culture of silence
exists. Sincerely invite people to share their concerns.
You might also want to try playing devil’s advocate:
disagree with your own position to encourage dialog (“I
know I said this, but let’s assume the opposite were
true…”). This helps others see that you’re
open to feedback and opposing views. When people feel safe,
you can talk about anything.
Before you approach a crucial conversation, try to recognize
the difference between the facts and the stories you’re
telling yourself about the situation or about the people
in it. Facts are things that we can see, hear, or otherwise
observe. Stories are the conclusions we draw about the facts.
Are you telling yourself you’re the victim in a complex
plot perpetuated by seen and unseen foes? Why would a management
team act like they’d bought into a plan but refuse
to take action? You need to separate the facts from your
stories before you charge ahead with the conversation.
Stories tend to be more emotional than the facts, and can
get us started on the wrong foot. Facts are less controversial,
and are much less likely to make the other person defensive.
By leading with unemotional facts, we can enter a conversation
without bias and give others a chance to share their points
of view so we can move forward.
The point is not that our stories are wrong but
that when we approach a crucial conversation assuming they
are right, we will not be on the track to healthy
dialog. Drawing conclusions and making assumptions about
others’ motives will only lead to arguments, in-fighting,
and enemies. And, believe it or not, occasionally, we are
wrong
The key to healthy dialog is to lead with facts and speak
tentatively (“Steve, when we were planning this project,
I thought we had agreed that you would take on oversight
and manage the day-to-day details. Then I ended up overseeing
most of the details myself. Did I misunderstand?”
“Janet, I’ve noticed that when people give you
bad news, you tend to raise your voice and immediately point
out how you’re not at fault. I’m afraid that
this reaction may cause people to avoid bringing problems
to your attention until it is too late to do anything about
them. Do you see it differently?”)
This brings us to a third skill: when holding a crucial
conversation, find a mutual purpose, or a common objective,
that is valued by both parties. Let’s look at one
of the scenarios mentioned earlier: the impediment to change
is the person who can fire you.
On the surface, this looks like a “hold your tongue”
situation because the costs seem to outweigh the benefits.
However, the question you should ask yourself is not “What
are the costs of speaking up?” but “What are
the costs of not speaking up?” If you hold
your tongue, you may get out with a paycheck, but your effort
will be a failure and your project may not succeed.
The best communicators step up to these crucial conversations
and establish mutual purpose by backtracking from differences
and seeking common ground. What is it that we both
can agree on? While you differ on tactics, you may be able
to agree on purpose: You both want what’s best for
the organization and those involved. Once you identify the
mutual purpose, you can build a common strategy to achieve
it.
Mutual purpose is not about swaying the other person to
your side of the issue. It is about getting the best ideas
on the table so that the optimal solution can be jointly
constructed, agreed upon, and committed to (“Janet,
I think we can both agree that it’s not a good thing
if you don’t hear about problems until it is too late.
Nobody wants that. I wonder if we could brainstorm for a
few minutes to see if we could come up with some solutions…”).
When all parties agree to a mutual purpose, you will find
that you can have the best of both worlds: strengthened
relationships and winning results.
As you apply these and other skills, you will quickly discover
that even sinking ships can be salvaged, repaired, and best
of all, improved. Learn how, and results will follow.
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Eric Patten is a senior consultant for VitalSmarts,
an innovator in corporate training and organizational performance.
At VitalSmarts he is developing a series of products to
enhance Crucial Conversations Training, a powerful tool
for improving organizational effectiveness, building teams,
and enriching relationships.
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